Category: Joke Board
This is a parody I wrote based on one of the common e-mail chain letters out there. I warn you, if you can't deal with adult language and dark sarcastic humor, read no further lest you risk your sensibilities. Consider yourself warned. Anything that happens afterwords is not my fault.
Ive learned....
That life is like ... well, .... life! Nothing more, nothing less.
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for because it
would be quite a long wait.
That money doesn't buy class and I paid $2000 to learn that after an
extensive series of self-help seminars, being deprived of food, drink, and
bathroom breaks, and being belittled and insulted by my peers.
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. You
inspired yet? The meter's running! Either you cheer up or I lose, and I'm
not happy when I lose. But let me continue ...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and
loved and then left alone to watch old reruns and scarf down a whole goddamn
bag of chips.
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. Problem is, nobody knows what we
mean when we refer to *it* but it sounds nice.
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts,although ignoring the
facts keeps me from getting hurt. Besides, most of the time what people call
facts are usually opinions or uninformed guesses.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are well on your way to a
lifetime of very creative thinking.
That love is something we waste enormous amounts of time preaching about in
e-mails like this. So are you impressed with my philosophical side yet?
Somebody shut me up now!
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with
people smarter than I am. Oh well, personal growth is over-rated anyhow.
Duh!
That everyone you meet deserves to be cast into outer darkness unless they
bribe you generously with CDs you want, chocolate or a whole new goddamn
bag of chips.
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling
their breath on your cheeks. If that's not possible, smoking something green
and illegal is a close second.
That no one is perfect ... ever. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
That life is still just life, no matter how many metaphors I use to describe
it. Life just is and that's all it is.
That opportunities are things you should hoard like several more cases full
of more goddamn bags of chips!
That when you harbor bitterness, people will finally leave you alone and let
you feel negative for once in your life.
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he
passed ... Wait a minute, my dad's still alive. What the hell?
That one should keep his words under strict copyright so opportunists don't
steal his thunder.
That a smile is something I'll use as much or as little as I will for those
who deserve it. I won't smile at you just because you're breathing.
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it
so I'll blame others whenever possible.
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist,
that you're going to babysit while everyone else has a better time.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but for some reason
they're never told about the risks of mudslides.
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is
requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
Therefore, by sending all of you this e-mail, I have seriously broken my own
rule and should be punished severely so I never do it again. Suggestions?
After reading that, I require several, and I mean several! more goddam bags of chips!!!lol!!! Good one man, very funny!
LOL! I love good sarcasm good 1..
You'll have to admit it's a helluva lot better than the original.
its stunning and very insightful
Well, then, Goblin, you'll just have to send it to 258 of your dearest friends, and to show you they care, they'll have to send you a copy back. Anyone who does not send you a copy back is obviously not your friend and will be taken care of by our agents without delay! Then you take all the copies you got back, multiply them by 42, and send them to 666 random people you never met, claiming you're their bestest friend and you can't live without them and they'd better forward it to their friends just in case you croak tomorrow. Just in case. Have your weapon of choice ready, because at almost 2:36 in the morning you will be visitted by the e-mail police. Luckily there's only one of them and they can be taken out easily. Be sure and dispose of the corpse quickly and efficiently. Then you will have gained true enlightenment!Hahahahahahahaha!
258! feck I'm not famous lol!.Wait 666 my favourite number hmm there are a few 100m sinners on my list of contacts..
....disposing of corpses is my speciality rubs hands together and smiles wickedly..cheers pal..